And it’s nowhere close.
Geographically, it’s thousands of miles away, which cumulatively takes 15 hours of flights and a precarious car ride to traverse. Physically, it doesn’t even remotely resemble the megacity-slash-rainforest I’ve grown up in. Instead, in my dreams, I stand in a clearing in the Eastern Sierra, surrounded by nothing but rock and sand and the occasional tumbleweed. The sandy tips of talus stand harsh against the deep blue sky, stretching as far as the eye can see.
The thing is, I can imagine myself here just as vividly as I can anywhere else.
And in the days that lead up to April 1st, I’m forced to grapple with these dreams as a looming reality rather than a fantasy that purely exists in my subconscious. Deep Springs could be real, could be true, if only the stars were to align. But as much as I want them to, the possibility of it scares me more. I realise how cowardly I sound when I admit this, but I almost hope they reject me. It would save me the anguish of having to make a tough decision, at least.
For everyone else, it seems so certain. My parents don’t even acknowledge the existence of Deep Springs, even though my ApVisit was barely a month ago. Week after week, they’ve been pestering me to book a one-way ticket to the UK already, to attend Cambridge in September. For my ApVisit friends, Deep Springs is not just a top choice, but also a personally viable one – something I deeply envy.
I wonder if I’ll ever start to make decisions that feel true to myself. Ever since I’ve had to make major life decisions (aka at the age of 12), I’ve found myself compromising on my selfhood to satisfy society’s ideals. To a certain extent, I suppose we all do. But for someone who has prided themselves on resisting social pressures and pursuing things I actually love, it feels like a sad lack of conviction to sit with.
And I acknowledge that to be able to say this is already a huge privilege – I get the luxury of choice, in situations where all options have amazing prospects. That’s more than many can say. This is a happy problem.
But still, it’s something that’s been weighing on me. My biggest fear isn’t sinking into mediocrity, but rather dullness. And so, as I look back on pictures in our DS ApVisit group chat, I wonder if – or when, for that matter – I’ll have the courage to find what I’m looking for.
And I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hope that one day it isn’t just a dream. That one day, it could be a home. That one day, this place, or whatever form it chooses to take in the future, won’t just be a faraway utopia, but a life I can live, breathe and love so viscerally.
for context: this is a personal reflection piece on my application to deep springs college and related aspirations! i typically don't reveal that many personal details on here but this is something that means a lot to me too. hearts n kisses
lots of love,
j